- By girly-d
- On 24/11/2017
- 0 comments
I'm a big believer in Signs.
Clues that tell me that I'm on the right path, that I'm with the right person....that I'm doing the right thing.
Except for when deep down I know that I'm not doing any of the above, and all of the signs are telling me so....But I choose to ignore them.
Because the invites have gone out.....
And now it's too late....
I didn't even want to get married. Not really. I thought that we were fine as we were.
We had twelve years under our belts - It didn't look as though either of us were planning on going anywhere. So I was happy to just sit tight and enjoy what we had....But he was adamant. He wanted us to be married.
I don't even know how the conversation got started. Just that it did. And that a few months after that conversation I had the rock of Gibralter attached to my left hand.
It was a beautiful ring.
And a beautiful proposal.
And we went out for food and we drank Champagne and we took class A's and we danced to Micheal Jackson in our living room.
And I thought that after that night that it would be ok.
But it wasn't.
Because the Universe knew about the doubts I was having. And decided to give me some "Signs".
So the Church was double- booked.
The "Best man" got sacked and replaced.... By an actual man this time (His sister wanted to do it. I said no....long story)
My bridesmaids changed.
The evening venue closed....Two weeks before the wedding.
And as if that wasn't enough, I arrived spectacularly late on the day, as my hairdresser preferred to talk that morning rather than actually get on with the job that I was paying him for ....just as my friend, (who happened to be the Vicar), was stood ashen faced in front of the congregation, about to call the whole thing off.
And then, finally, when I did eventually get to walk up the aisle, I found that my future sister-in-law ( who wanted to be Best Man because she's an attention seeking pain in the ass) had decided that she would try to upstage me because I said no to her ridiculous request, by wearing an ivory dress to my wedding.
Knowing full well that my wedding dress was Ivory....
So all-in-all, the Universe was pretty persistent.
I went through with it anyway.
Because I did love him.
But also because I wanted to see the look on his sisters face when I actually said "I do".
And it was indeed priceless.
But she got the last laugh.
When he left me 15 months later for some random woman he'd met one night when he was supposed to be working. I'm still picking up the pieces. Because his infidelity ruined everything. Not just us as a couple. But everything that we had once had.
He asked to come back of course- Once he'd come to his senses and re-zipped his trousers....I just didn't want him to. And there was nothing for him to come back to anyway. Because our life had gone by then.
I had to move out of the flat that we shared, because I couldn't afford to stay there on my own. And so now someone else was in it. It broke my heart.
He caused so much damage.
And I missed my life - Our flat on the beach and our cats and the dog, and my roof terrace and my firepit....and the girl that I was in that life that I had back then, that now seems like a lifetime ago. Ten lifetimes ago. Because so much has happened since. And my world is completely different now.
I'm completely different - And I'm not sure how I feel about that.
It's a heady mix of future possibilities and lots of past regret....."What could be's"- versus "what if's"
Only time will tell.
But for now I'm still me.
And I still believe in signs.
But this time when they are telling me that I am taking the wrong path, I listen.
Then I stop walking....
Take a deep breath.
And run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.