- By girly-d
- On 03/11/2017
- 0 comments
I'm attracted to chaos like a moth to a flame.
I always have been. Since I was a child - Subconciously re-creating car crash scenarios.
I know where I am with chaos. I know "what to do". It's all I've been used to. Noise and uncertaintainty and drama. So I've always had a plan B for when plan A goes wrong. Which is most of the time.
I'm ready for it.
Plan B usually involves realising that my plan A whatever that was isn't even a plan at all, that I've met yet another maniac and that I really need to get the fuck out of dodge. Pronto. Go go gadget bag packed and ready. Then scarpering. Sometimes for hundreds of miles and just in the nick of time. Reaching a new destination. Starting again. Only to find the whole process repeating itself. Completely stuck on a loop....
The one common denominator now is me. It's always been me. It used to be alcohol but I'm tee-total now. So the only thing left that is causing this dysfunction is my own head and my often flawed coping mechanisms.
I've joked about Co-dependancy in previous blogs but in reality it's not a laughing matter. It's serious shit. My ability to gravitate towards nasty, dangerous people needs re-wiring. Asap. Because I'm damaged now. These men have left marks on my body and marks on my soul...And I'm all done with damaging myself. It's time to do things differently.
Men aren't the answer to solving this equation - I am. I just need to like myself enough to raise my bar above ant level.
I'm tired of being on a constant treadmill of hypervigilence and self loathing. It's time to start from scratch and create a new way of living that doesn't involve me constantly getting hurt then upping sticks and running for the hills.
My new sober life needs care and attention. So do I. And I'm coming to realise that I'm not the girl I was...seemingly indestructable. Able to pick up the pieces and eventually bounce back. Because I'm not indestructable. I've just been lucky. And living this way is wearing thin. It's exhausting.
I'm tired of running away and hoping that things will magically change. Because they don't. It's just different shit in a different place on a different day.
There is no magic wand required here. Just simple logic.
I need to get myself some Self worth and self respect. Easier said than done. Especially when I've always just settled for crumbs and chaos, from men I really should have run a mile from. Before they even got to "Hi"....
And if I can slay this Co-dependancy demon then the Jabberwocky is dead. I'll have faced my nemesis. And "M"and all of the people like him won't ever get near me again. Their time in the Wonderland that used to be my head will be over. And I get to re-write the book and give both Alice and myself a happy ending.
No chaos. No drama.
End of that particular chapter.... And the start of a new one. I can't fucking wait....