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Inner critic.......

  • By girly-d
  • On 08/12/2017

It's fucking freezing.

I'm sat in my caravan, layered up to the max, huddled beside the contraband heater that Nath liberated from work for me one day, and wondering if one extra duvet tonight is going to be enough to prevent me from catching my death of cold, because at the minute I can literally see my own breath in here.

I was supposed to be having an early night tonight,  but thats gone to the dogs, mainly because my mind is on meltdown and I know from past experience that there is not a cat in hells chance of my head hitting the pillow before stupid o clock in the morning unless I sort this out pronto.

Because I'm having a bad head day.

I know this because I am mentally torturing myself with all of the things that are currently wrong with my life, instead of being grateful for the things that are finally going right for a change, and I'm trying not to let it escalate into a full on bout of emotional flooding, because I really don't feel like playing that game tonight....

Unfortunately, my head really wants to play that game with me....

There is a huge black cloud of doom hovering right above my head, just waiting for the chance to turn into a full blown clusterfuck. My job tonight is to prevent that from happening at all costs. Which is easier said than done right now....because my internal dialogue is going something like this at the minute.

Me to self: How about a bit of a pamper session later to make you feel a bit better? You know, body scrub, waxing, face mask, the works....?

Depression to self:  Why?? Because waxing really hurts....Why would you want to rip bits of your self off when there's no one around to impress anyway? It's not like you have a boyfriend....or you even see anyone apart from your own reflection....although actually, a face mask could work....your skins looking dreadful at the minute.... 

Me ( butting in on depression) : Ok, well it was just an idea. Never mind,  we could do that another night instead eh? So why not just cook some dinner and watch netflix for a bit? There's that film that you wanted to watch....

Depression: I thought that you were trying to lose weight??? Or have you given that up as a bad idea now? Only I thought that I saw you with a chocolate bar on the bus earlier.....and yeah, good idea. Watch a film. Well, try and watch a film anyway.....because we both know that I'm going to make damn sure you can't concentrate....

Me to depression. Please just stop this. My head is hurting.

Depression: Nope. Sorry. No can do. Tonight I am all yours....

Me to depression (popping a sleeping tablet) Ok, Good luck with that. You know the drill. Because as of now you have about a twenty minute window....

Oh wait, hang on a second, did I actually just say that?? The sleeping tablet thing?? Cos that was so 'old me'. No, see I don't take tablets anymore. I used to. Most nights actually....But then depression was always there, waiting for me when I woke up. It was the first thing that I would see. That lil old black cloud of mine. So now I choose to front it out.

And it works. Mostly. 

It's not pleasant. Far from it. I hate feeling this way. My depression has been following me around all day.

But I know that along with the thoughts, that my depression has a voice. And I know exactly what that voice sounds like. 

It's nasty. It whispers and it tries to tell me things that aren't true. Things that can drag me down if I pay any attention to them.

And so I just don't listen. Because depression talks cod-shit. And I've got better things to do with my time than to sit and let it try and take over my life.

So I've just polished off my bowl of Jamaican jerk chicken (It was lush by the way. I had seconds)

And I've unpacked the face mask and the body scrubs and the moisturiser that cost me £40 in Boots earlier (because I work hard so I can afford it, but mainly because I'm telling myself that I'm worth it)

Then I'm going to shower, scrub and smell amazingly of oranges by the time that I finally step into my Pj's.

Because there's a film on on Netflix that I've been wanting  to watch.....


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