un-maternal instinct (V)

  • By girly-d
  • On 22/04/2020

I've never been maternal. It's just not in my nature...I've never felt the urge to throw caution to the wind and  turn my life upside down completely,  just so that I can be at someone elses beck and call for the rest of my days.
I can barely take care of myself, let alone anyone else.
So becoming a mum has always been out of the question.
Until out of the blue, one day it happened...Completely by accident, completely unexpectedly, at the ripe old age of fourty, I looked into those eyes, and fell absolutely head over heels.

And I became a bit besotted.

So at first I didn't mind the fact that my life was suddenly  a merry go round of sleepless nights, washing his clothes and attempting to keep with his  never-ending demands for bottles.
I did it because he was mine and I loved him.
And if ever I felt as though it was all  getting a little bit much, he would just flash me that smile and  give me those big, blue  puppy dog eyes again  and I would remember again just how much he needs me and I would feel terrible for wanting to leave.
Only reality is kicking in now.
I'm absolutely shattered, and It's only been six months.
I can't imagine doing this for the next 18 years...
Or the next twelve months if I'm honest.
Because not only am I running on empty...I'm also running out of cash.
Keeping him topped up  with bottles is expensive...plus I'm obviously the one who has to fetch them.
It's not like he can go to the shop by himself is it?  He'd be bound to have an accident...wander  off into the road or fall off the kerb and hit his head  or something.
I'd be worried sick.
Anyway, it's fine, the shop's only down the road. 
The guys behind the counter greet me like an old friend. They always ask me how he is...and of course I say "fine" and then I pay for the bottles that tell them he's not and then I hurry back home before he starts crying for me again.
God I wish he'd stop that...it's not like he's a baby for Christ's sake
He's not a fucking baby...
...he's fourty-fucking one.

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