The pain in my words.....
- By girly-d
- On 03/03/2018
- 1 comments
It's my coping mechanism.
It keeps me focussed. Keeps me balanced. It keeps this topsy turvy head of mine in check.
Because when I write from the heart it comes from a dark place. A scary place. A place full of turmoil and tears and regret..... a place I have to stay in until of this bad stuff comes out. Out of my head and eventually out of my mind......
It's going to take a while.
I have to let it out in bits. Teeny tiny manageable chunks. So that it doesn't take over and completely consume me. Because sometimes it feels as though this pain is all I have left to show for my life.
I had therapy in rehab. It was powerful stuff. Specially designed to go for the jugular. I had to show the "teacher" where it hurt..... I drew a picture of myself.....marked out all the bruises and the injuries I'd picked up courtesy of bad men and drinking days..... Over my mouth I'd drawn a zip. Closed. With the caption "Why aren't I crying?" It was a bloody good question.
One that landed me in detox and rehab in the first place. Because I'd switched off from my emotions. There was nothing left of me to take.
I feel emotion now. Every single day. It comes at me in waves.
I no longer drink. I have no anesthetic. So there are plenty of tears. Not literally. Not right at this minute. But my blogs are my tears. Every single one of them.
It's been five years of shit. I've battled through a lot. My marriage broke down. I lost everything I had.....bit by soul-destroying bit.....until it was just me and my cat. Until he died too. Then it was just me. And a world full of shit.
I drank myself senseless over and over and over again. While some not very nice people picked the meat off my bones as I fought with what became a full-blown addiction.
Until the day that I was too ill to care and too weak to look after myself .....and I wanted to die.
I'm getting better now. Because my life was a car crash and I asked for some help. I'm incredibly grateful for my life.
But these tears keep on coming. And these blogs keep on forming.
Teeny, tiny snapshots of what it was like to be me back then. In those hideous days - Very occasionally now.
I rarely cry real tears. It takes an awful lot to break me.
I cried when my cat died - Floods.
My ex managed to make me cry recently. Because I was in love with him, but he was drinking again and flushing both us and his life down the toilet. Which meant we broke up.
So yes there are tears now. And there's pain in my words. But it's better out than in. And I'm writing not drinking.....I'm handling my emotions the best way I know how....by writing them out. .....because on days like today.....If I was to start crying, I'm not sure that I'd stop......