- By girly-d
- On 20/11/2017
- 0 comments
I didn't have the best of weekends.
I got chatted up, which was nice....
By a homeless, drug dealing alcoholic which wasn't quite so....."nice".
On the plus side, I was stone cold sober. So he didn't manage to get my number....Although it did take me slightly longer than it should have done to see right through him and send him packing.... mainly because I try to see the best in people, which is why I was even talking to him in the first place.
Anyway, the rest of my weekend had me once again shaking my head in disbelief, and questioning why, after all of the changes I've made in my life, is this shit still happening??
Why am I still attracting these people??
Because without sounding too up my own arse here, I don't want to be chatted up by a Stella swigging, dope smoking "gangsta" trying his luck these days.
I'd rather chew my own arm off.
Both arms in fact.
My friend Nathan says that I'm "just unlucky" whenever we have this conversation.
My friend Lynne on the other hand, tells me that it's because I have an "ism"
I'm tempted to agree with Lynne.
Because yes. I have an "ism"....
Quite simply, "It's Something In Me" that is making this happen.
Something that I can't quite put my finger on but that appears to be shining out like a beacon to the types of people that I really don't want to have around me.... The narcissists and the sociopaths and the slightly un-hinged.... and every time I get approached by another one, it scares the shit out of me.
Because these were the people that I was surrounded by, both as a child and as a teen. The nasty men, the inappropriate men, the women haters. The men who came to our house in the years after my dad died when my mum needed the company and to hell with the consequences or what it did to the kids.
These were the people that I would date when I was drinking.....because they were familiar and because I had no sense of self respect or self worth.
I do not need these people in my life now.
I don't want these guys around me. These Jeremy Kyle meets Scrap-heap challenge low-life fucking idiots who make my skin crawl.
Because I'm done with that shit.
I've done everything in my power to erase these people from my past and from my life now. I look after myself. I don't dress provocatively, plaster my photos across social media sites or make any attempt to draw attention to myself. I stopped drinking alcohol and I make every attempt possible to keep away from idiots.
And yet still the weirdo's and the down-right nasties keep coming.
Despite my best efforts to steer clear of these men, they can see me a mile off.....and come and say "hi" like they are greeting an old friend.
I just don't get it.
I'm funny, I'm witty, I'm attractive, I'm clever.
And yet I manage to attract every dickhead and his dog within a ten mile radius of me without even trying...
Because somehow, despite my best efforts, they can still see my "ism"....
I dont even know what it looks like.
I can't see it, feel it or put my finger on what my "ism" is.
I just know that something inside me is broken and that I have no idea how to fix it.
Which means that for now, the Scrap heap challenge guys and the Jeremy Kyle wannabes are going to keep on finding me.
It's soul destroying.
Just because I live in a caravan (which is temporary....and incidentally, for the record I happen to love) - It doesn't mean that I'm yearning for a husband in a wife-beater, a couple of screaming kids and some tatty looking dogs on string... I have hopes and dreams and a vision for my future.
I'm busy writing my way out of here and into a brand new life.
So my handsome prince if he's out there, had better get his skates on and rescue me from these muppets sooner rather than later...because otherwise, the chances are that I'm going to die out here, alone in this caravan in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by cats and smelling of wee.... because I refuse to take the "easy" option which would be to go and sit on the scrap heap with the rest of the people that I used to associate with.