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  • By girly-d
  • On 04/01/2020

It's hard, being a writer. Because everything you see, do or hear potentially has a story behind it. One that, if shared with the world, would resonate with somebody, somewhere...maybe give them some hope, or an idea or bring clarity or whatever.

There are 200 odd blogs on my website. There could easily be triple that number if I didn't have to filter things. But I do, I do filter. I have to. To spare feelings, to stop secrets spilling out, to keep up appearances. There are a million and one reasons why I can't always write the things that I want to write and every time it kills me.

Because I'm a writer. I need to write... It's how I make sense of things, put some order in my world, keep everything peachy. It's my outlet, my off's how I convey to the world "enough...I've had enough now...just let me be for a while, tap tap tapping away while I make sense of of this and then i'll be back, just as soon as I've got this thing out of my head and onto this page"...

If I didn't have to filter I could tell people that recently I moved away for a while. Made a fresh start. Pushed my own boundaries, ventured out on my own...because things were unstable where I was and I was desperately unhappy.

But then I came back, because I really missed my boyfriend and I wanted things to work, even though present circumstances mean that  he is far from being my Mr Right, right now.

If I didn't have to filter I could tell people that I think I have bi-polar. That at times it scares the shit out of me. That it sends me into panic, meaning that I do odd, spontaneous, off the wall moving hundreds of miles away on a whim to make a fresh start. To wipe my slate become someone new. Someone with a better, maybe more reliable head than mine...only to find that when I get there, that I still have my own head, only now I have a greatly reduced social circle and a lot less money because I spent it all on train tickets.

If I didn't have to filter I could tell people that I'm sick of my boyfriend giving me false hope. Telling me that he is cutting down his alcohol believing him, and then sitting here like an idiot with only a burnt chicken for dinner because he's still sat in a bar somewhere drinking with his mates.

If I didn't have to filter I could just tell it like it is...just for once.

I think that maybe, just maybe I'm all done filtering...



  • Karl smith
    • 1. Karl smith On 21/05/2020
    Met you once on a train going to London. You are more than your past, inspirational, in fact you are a woman who against all the odds, you have shown your character, a decent hard-working young woman with the world at your feet. It was a pleasure to have met you, you've got this.

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