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Me and My Hedgehog.....

  • By girly-d
  • On 24/10/2017
  • 1 comments

Getting to know me when I'm suspicious of you is like trying to prise open a hedgehog -  It's not going to happen. And if you insist on trying to coax me out of my protective coat of armour before I am ready, I am warning you now that you are going to get hurt.

These prickles are there for a reason. And they are sharp.

You can't unfurl a hedgehog. It's an impossible task. A hedgehog under threat will only open up when he is ready.....until then you just have to wait. For however long that takes. It could be a long haul.

Because these prickles protect against danger. Whether that is a real actual threat to self or just percieved. It makes no difference when you feel cornered. Defensive ball mode activated. Better safe than sorry....

It's how I live my life now. A side-effect from the madness I endured when my life as I knew it ended and some horror movie started to run in its place.

Homelessness, addiction, institutions and hostel living have changed me. I've lived with thieves, drug dealers and attempted murderers. I'm harder now. I have an edge to me that wasn't there before. I'm suspicious of everyone and everything around me bar my tiny inner circle. My prickles twitch constantly ready to engage -  fight or flight. Twenty-four hours a day. 

It's exhausting. Traumatic. But although I do on occasion let my guard down, I have never once taken this armour off. The thought of being had over or decieved again one more time is still too much for me to bear.

It's hard to clarify. Let alone talk about. There is so much I want to say but no real start or end point at times..and so a conversation could be confusing....God, even  I get confused and it's my head....basically, what I mean is that it's hard to feel normal once you've crossed certain lines....and opening up about this kind of stuff leaves you open and exposed. I don't want people to think that I'm weird. So I carry this stuff around, filed in my mental suit-case, locked away inside my head.

Until I get clarity. And things start to make sense. So then I write, and then my thoughts become words and my words form a blog.  Which forms another piece of the puzzle that makes up my story....shared on my site under my pseudonym of just a girl.

Because I used to be "Just a girl". Nice, normal. Nothing like this re-make. Until someone callously opened Pandoras box and all of my carefully contained horrors came rushing out to fight with me again.  Now I'm a girl with many stories to tell and many faces to show to the world.

Like my hedgehog face. All surface cute and harmless if left to my own devices tootling around by myself in my Alice in Wonderland garden....Transforming into a spiky, defensive ball of self preservation immediately if threatened.. So just because I look cute and unassuming when we meet, don't you dare assume that I am. Because experience has taught me to be an excellent actress when it comes to playing my poker face.  So don't underestimate me or the levels I will go to to keep myself from harm. Because I'm telling you now that my bark is every bit as bad as my bite....

Dedicated to M.  For being such a twat to me and ensuring that I will never be this vulnerable ever again. Thanks for the valuable lessons and the crash course in survival skills.

Indebted. 

Ps....I'd send you a copy of this blog M....but I don't think that Twitter deliver under stones...

 

Comments

  • LynneLANE DAYS
    • 1. LynneLANE DAYS On 25/10/2017
    Very good and I can relate!

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