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Un-maternal instinct....

  • By girly-d
  • On 25/02/2018

I'm older than my boyfriend. By more than ten years.

I pretend it's not an issue, but in reality it is. On days like today for example, when he's ill and I'm looking after him. Because when I say "ill" I mean "drunk" and when I say "looking after him" I mean "doing everything".

I'm cooking and cleaning and making hot drinks. I'm checking that he's not too hot or too cold.....I am actually at times making sure he's still breathing... 


I worry about whether he needs a doctor or an ambulance when he's ill. Am I doing the right thing or the wrong one? 

I make the necessary phone calls and updates to his family, who in all honesty barely know me and me them. It's not the best way to get to know each other when all is said and done.....a shared experience of their sons relapse back into alcoholism isn't the shiniest of starts....

And they've called round spend an hour or so with him on his birthday. 

I stayed in the kitchen out of the way once the initial pleasantries had been exchanged. I listened to Ed Sheeran's X while they discussed family stuff in the living room.....I didn't want to intrude.

And I'm trying to imagine what they think about me and the fact that I am dating their son. On paper I'm hardly a catch. I'm a good decade older, I live in a caravan and I'm a year into my own recovery. I hardly sound like a role model. 

It makes me feel inadequate. And upset. And very insecure.

Because yes I'm older. Yes I went to rehab. It's how I met their son in the first place. But I've worked bloody hard on myself since then. I'm a lot further along the road than most people I know who've been in my situation. And yes I live in a caravan. It comes with the job that I have. The job I work hard at in order to get myself straight again. The job that means that I am able to support myself without having to rely on other people to get me out of the mess that I made.

I didn't expect to fall in love with my boyfriend.  And with hindsight I'm not quite sure that I should have done. 

Without this relapse my confidence in him and this relationship would be higher. But there has been a relapse and I've been put in the spotlight much quicker than I had hoped and for all of the wrong reasons, which is making me doubt the whole thing.

Plus, realistically I've spent more time looking after him these last few weeks than I have done looking after myself.

I'm feeling pretty frazzled. 

I look in the mirror and I look pretty frazzled. I feel every one of my years right now. And it's making me unhappy.

My boyfriends relapse has created a tsunami, affecting everyone around him. When he drinks he's incapable of doing anything. He needs looking after. Like a child.

He's sober today. He's lovely again. Kind and loving and attentive. But he has no money to buy alcohol which is probably why.

 I'm dreading the day when he can afford to again. Because once the urge to drink overtakes him and he has his hands on that bottle, he'll morph straight back into that child. Fretful, demanding - taking up all of my time.

And I've never wanted children. That's the bottom line.

But with every day that passes I appear to be becoming a mum whether I like it or not.

And for what it's worth, I don't....





anxiety mental health me myself and i