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Law of attraction....

  • By girly-d
  • On 23/04/2018

My (ex) boyfriend is an alcoholic. 

He'd been sober for almost a year but had a relapse recently and now he is back on the alcohol bus, veering between all-out vodka binges followed by intermittent spells of abstinence.

It breaks my heart and it's why we broke up.

The guy I was living with last year was an alcoholic too. So was the guy before him and the guy before him -  I appear to be caught up in some horrendous cycle of repeat and return. A karmic lesson that I need to learn on a soul level, that's not going to stop bothering me anytime soon until this particular penny has dropped.

And I would be more than willing to be educated.... if only I knew what homework I needed to do in order to get an A* and my ticket out of this particular headfuck. Because this is excrutiating. I'm tired of going round and round in circles with these pointless destructive relationships all centred around a drug that nearly killed me.

It wears me out.

I don't even drink alcohol anymore - I used to, but it took me to hell and landed me in rehab and so I gave it up - and I've done everything I can think of to break the cycle and rid myself of the destruction it causes ever since.

I don't go to bars or use dating sites to meet men. I don't go to AA or NA so I bypass the so called "13 steppers"...(men who allegedly seek out vulnerable women to romantically pursue) and yet every guy that I have had any kind of romantic dealings with in the past four years has had serious, serious problems with alcohol.

I just don't get it. 

I really don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Am I supposed to just not meet any one ever? Is that the solution? Just avoid every male within a 100 mile radius of me...on the off-chance that they too just happen to be a closet drinker and therefore are guaranteed to bring me a whole world of headfuck?

Or, more realistically, do I and maybe society as a whole, need to wake up and consider the bigger picture here? That, despite alcohol being a devastating and highly addictive drug, that it is freely available pretty much everywhere.

And therefore so are the people who have problems with it.

We can't escape it. Alcohol is everywhere.

It's available in bars, pubs, clubs, shops, supermarkets and post offices. Advertised on TV, in cinemas and in magazines.  We are bombarded with a marketing hard sell, where images of stunning women and gorgeous men promise that we too can have a little glitz and glamour, look cool and ooze sexual appeal, if only we drink the latest cider/vodka/ them...

Which sounds awesome...who doesn't want that? I used to definitely...

Only there was nothing glamourous about my life as a drinker...I stopped wearing nice dresses and heels as my alcoholism took hold and instead I started to look like a tramp.

There was absolutely nothing glamourous about the shakes and the nausea every morning, and I didn't meet anyone even remotely glamourous in detox or rehab either...just a bunch of ordinary, scared shitless people like me whose lifestyle choices didn't work for them and instead wrecked havoc with their lives and put them in secure units for a while.

But lets be absolutely clear about this...

Nobody forced me to take my first drink. That was down to me...and I take full responsibility for that. I was younger then, and in my teens alcohol was cool and alluring and edgy and glamourous. 

Despite the fact that my mum was an alcoholic.

I wanted the glitz and the glamour and the cool edgy lifestyle...I wanted what they said I could have. I also wanted to escape a lot of shit...

But you don't always get what you wish for.

Instead I got this.

A damaged cocycx from falling down some stairs...drunk in a bar.

Several fractured ribs...ditto.

A smashed up knee, a black eye, several horrendous one night stands. Expensive phones and belongings lost or unlimited nights on sofas because I couldn't hold my shit together long enough to pay my rent, a relationship with a psychopath and a 4 month spell in detox and rehab.

I didn't see any of that in the adverts.

Anyway...I've called time on all that. It doesn't happen to me now.

Because I stopped using Alcohol as a magical fix.

I stopped using it full stop.

I had two male friends in detox...Sam and Karl. Both just normal nice guys in their twenties...except for the fact that they were both bright yellow - their livers shot to bits courtesy of binging on cheap sherry and cider.

Sam is dead now. He was buried last year. Karl needs to get his shit together pronto or he will be next.

So in the big scheme of things I have been incredibly lucky.

I asked for help and I got and stayed 'fixed'.

And they say that everything happens for a reason...and out of this horrific, horrible time came my 'Saving Grace'. 

I started to write.

And I took all of the shit and the horribleness...those horrendous, horrific nights on sofas, and I became an alchemist.

And now I use my blogs to tell my story.

Which I finally think is my life lesson.

Because there are people out there right now who are dangerously close to being me...who may read this and hopefully see that it's not too late.

That change can happen.

Good things can happen.

You just need to want it enough for it to work.

So maybe, just this once, it's not me I need to fix now. Maybe it's them...

Maybe it's you..?







  • Nick Grant
    You've come a helluva long way.

    You're sensitive and empathetic - you're likely to see the good in people rather than be fooled by flash b*stards with material possessions. You'll always be vulnerable, because you know there's good in yourself and people can change, but unfortunately you can't save everyone all at once.

    I think what you're doing - what you're writing about - is important. It's important for you and it's important for your readers. It's great that the stories your sharing aren't behind closed doors in the cult of AA - in fellowship meetings. I think that if we're going to tackle alcohol addiction, the negative aspects of alcohol abuse need to become as ubiquitous as alcohol itself, which isn't going to happen if we hide our addictions in shame and anonymity.

    You're doing a brave thing and I'm a big fan. I'm sure you'll meet somebody great when the time is right.