- By girly-d
- On 04/01/2018
- 0 comments
Insanity - A definition.
"Repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome".
Which tells me what I already know. That I am covering old ground and expecting a miracle. Which statistically probably isnt going to happen, but I know from past experience that I will be testing the theory anyway. It's always good to know just exactly how disappointed I can get these days.
Because my capacity for disappointment is huge. I haven't actually ever come close to seeing how much I can handle. I just know that I'm capable of receiving a lot.
Which I was hoping would change as I got older. It hasn't obviously. Probably because I'm not learning my lessons. But thats me. Ever the optimist....maybe one day I will.
Maybe one day I won't be sat in a station cafe waiting to board a train in order to top up my disappointment levels further by going to see yet another deeply flawed individual who is currently masquerading as my boyfriend....
Because without sounding like I know it all.....I did actually know this. I knew that this guy was going to let me down and break my heart. I let him do it anyway.
Because I really hoped that he wouldnt.
And I'm upset and im angry and I kind of want to cry. But I'm pretty much out of tears from the last time this happened. And the time before that and the time before that.....
Because I hoped that this time things would be different. That this guy was as strong as I needed him to be. As strong as I am.
Because then we would be equal. Complimenting each other. Not patching each other up. I don't want or need a guy in my life who needs fixing. I want him to be able to fix himself. So that I can concentrate on keeping myself on the straight and narrow. Like I do every single day of my life now. Mostly without thinking. It's second nature to me.
I want it to be second nature for him.
Because he's incredible. I adore this guy. And I want him so much it physically hurts at times. But I need all of him. I need a sober him. Because an alcoholic version just won't work. And for this to happen, I need him to want that too.
So me and my insanity are getting on the train. Because I'm going to read him the riot act for jeopardising everything. For him, for me and for us. And then I need to be prepared to walk away from him. Get back on a train and go off and lick my wounds somewhere .
After that I have no idea. Probably just keep repeating this shit until it actually sinks in.....
Either that or throw the towel in. Because I'm getting really bored of being tested now....