- By girly-d
- On 10/03/2018
- 0 comments
My boyfriend has Psychosis. It means that he sees, hears and talks to people who aren't actually there. At least if they are, they are very very quiet and very very small, as no-one else can see or hear them....I can't anyway.
It only happens when he's been drinking heavily and is therefore either dangerously intoxicated or starting to withdraw. Which currently is most of the time right now, and it's a worrying, and often disturbing experience for anyone around him, watching a fully grown man sit and have an animated conversation with people that only he can see.
During Psychosis he loses touch with reality. He only sees and hears the scenarios in his head that to him are real conversations, but to everyone else are the red flags that indicate that his drinking is once again spiralling out of control and that he is mentally and physically extremely unwell and in serious need of professional help.
Sometimes he talks to me too, but not very often - at least not to my face. In reality he talks to me all the time......it's just that I'm very rarely in the same room when the "conversation" gets going. I'll be in the kitchen or the bathroom maybe....he'll be convinced that I'm sat there next to him on the sofa in the living room. But when I try to say as much he accuses me of lying and playing games with his head......when in reality it's not actually me playing headgames at all. It's vodka and the copious quantities of it that he continues to drink that's busy distorting his reality.
It's upsetting to see and hear him like this. Talking away to himself for hours on end....having full-on conversations with these imaginary people that aren't actually there. But if I try to hold a conversation and tell him that he's talking to himself he doesn't believe me.....or he'll change tactic and start to whisper to them instead.... which is a million times worse. It gives me chills... the kind that you get when you answer the phone one day and the guy on the other end starts asking about underwear...it's horrible.
Especially when it's 3.00am and I can't sleep because his imaginary friends are keeping him up all night again....He's usually having a 'discussion' about me and how he's scared that he'll lose me if this carries on. Which he will if he doesn't get help. Because seeing and hearing him like this is excrutiating.....I actually can't take much more. His alcohol induced mental problems are starting to consume us both.
The whispered conversations are horrendous.....the look on his face when I try to explain to him that there is no-one in the room breaks my heart. Because he genuinely doesn't know what is going on around him. It makes him paranoid. He thinks that I have an agenda. That I'm filming him / recording him.....taking photos. For the record I'm not. I wouldn't. Although I have to admit that it has crossed my mind.....because maybe then he would see what everyone else sees....that he's talking to himself. But it would terrify him. The thought makes me sick. Its not an option.
My boyfriend desperately needs help. He's very very sick. He's been hospitalised several times because of his addiction. But he refuses to see the doctor more often than not.....presumably because he will be told in no uncertain terms that he needs to stop drinking. Which he continues to do on a daily basis and which is slowly but surely killing him....because he physically and mentally can no longer do without it.
So the talking continues and every day he gets worse. He no longer needs me to talk to.... his friends are all consuming. If they tidied up after him too then maybe I would be more tolerant. But they don't.......they just continue to talk cod-shit, which he in turn talks back....24/7. Unless he's asleep....
It makes him incredibly hard to be around and even harder to listen to. I constantly have to leave the room just to breathe for a second. Ever increasingly I'm leaving the flat completely.....because I need some space from him and some real conversation.....with real actual people.
It's breaking my heart....I'm at my wits end and I'm ready to leave. I love him so much but I have no idea where to go from here. Except home. He doesn't even know if I'm there or not anymore..... I may as well be invisible.....except that if I was then maybe he would talk to me more....
My boyfriend needs help. Without it he will die. He can't carry on like this. His body is screaming for him to stop drinking alcohol. It can't keep up with the strain that he's under and his head is slowly turning to blancmange. Things have to change....because at this rate, as much as we all love and care for him, one by one everyone else will leave him too....for the sake of their sanity if nothing else. So my boyfriends imaginary friends had better be loyal.....because if he continues to refuse the help that he needs, then those invisible mates of his will be all he's got left......which is heartbreaking...