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Me before you...

I've always been a 'fixer'... I'm brilliant at it. Which is a shame, because up until now, this amazing ability that I have to pick people up, straighten them out and get them back on track again has seemingly never applied when it's my own problems that need to be dealt with.

The last few years have been ridiculously hard for me. An incredible amount of shit landed in my general direction and it's taken me a long, long time to claw my way out of the absolute madness and mess that that caused me and begin to regain enough confidence to attempt to rebuild.

 

I live in a caravan - on a car park. In the arse-end of nowhere. It's probably not everyones cup of tea, but it's exactly what I need right now. I need to live in isolation for a while while I get used to who I am these days, and here I have isolation in spades.

There are fields, Cows and Sheep, Badgers, Foxes, owls and mice.

Plus a multitude of big, fuck-off, fake widow spiders.

And that's about it.

I'm away from the stresses and dramas of everyday life. No-one comes to visit me, bar my trusted inner circle - the guys who saw the shit spectacularly hitting the fan and did what they could to protect me instead of turning their backs like the rest of them. Apart from those few, trusted friends, I see work colleagues...the woman in the post office. Very occasionally a bus driver.

Before all this happened I was a social girl. I liked to throw dinner parties, go to parties, frequent hotel bars with my husband or my friends. Drink wine, drink beer, drink Champagne... Indulge in class A's...I used to thouroughly enjoy myself.  I was the girl in the nice dresses and heels who turned heads, and who caused tongues to wag. Who thought she knew it all.

I didn't know anything. 

I know so much more now.

I know that my caravan is basically boot camp. It's a test of my resolve. I spend 95% of my time alone. I have to keep myself occupied. Challenge myself. Stand on my own two feet again, without relying on alcohol or anyone else to 'fix' me.

Especially not a male anyone else.

Because men are my kryptonite. Bad men especially. They have a special way of breaking through my firewall and fucking me up. So I'm staying away.

I've dated four men in the last eighteen months. All were, without exception, absolute fruit-loops. My heart has been broken more times than I care to mention.

So now it's just me. Living in my green coated bubble, trying to build myself up and elevate  myself high above all those shitty, meaningless past relationships that in the big grand scheme of things gave me absolutely nothing apart from a shitload of mental scars and a world of complete and utter headfuck.

No more.

It ends now.

No more fixing people.

Unless you look like me and answer to my name...

Because, as of now, for the first time in my whole, entire life,  it really is a case of me before you....

 

mental health not the slide control decisions anxiety

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