Just call me Rapunzel...
- By girly-d
- On 12/07/2018
- 0 comments
So I've met a man.
A real actual live one...not one from a terrible online dating site or a bot from twitter...
A real actual man.
And it's thrown me...
Because I like this guy.
Which means that I'm in trouble.
Because I have walls around me that are twenty feet high at times and if I want to let my guard down it means that I have to take some bricks out...so that he can actually see me... Can see who he is dealing with.
Only I can't have chinks in my armour.
No matter how small...
Because as strong as I appear at times, I'm as breakable as glass in the wrong hands and if I let the wrong people into my life while I am still rebuilding it, then the results will be carnage.
I'll be like humpty...and we all know what happened to him...
I don't want to be Humpty.
Because I won't be able to handle the fall-out if I get fucked over again.
But if I stay behind my walls without even trying with this, then thats tragic too...I'll be like that sad baby monkey, starved of affection for "science" - so desperate for contact that he turns down his milk just to cuddle a wire "mum" in a jumper
I can't let that be me.
Which is why I protect myself.
But I'm writing this and its breaking me a little bit. That I have to live my life so guarded and protected and downright bloody scared.
I just want to be happy...and I don't need to be told that I should be happy by myself.
Because I've done that shit.
I'm bored of it now.
I don't want to be "happy by myself"...not all the time.
What I want is my life back.
To be the me I was before all of the hurt and all of the headfuck made me go scampering up into the nearest tower, kick away the ladder, slam the door and swallow the only key...
I can't live my life this way indefinitely.
Hiding away in a caravan with some half-baked life and a cat.
I'm a social girl. This is alien to me.
And it will be an absolute tragedy if I choose to stay like this.
So I am taking my bricks down...
But I'm going all out Cinderella here...
And I'm replacing them with glass ones...
So people get to see me...and I get to see them. But I still have my guard up.
And I'll go at my own pace and in my own time.
No drama, no biggie.
And when I'm finally ready to leave my tower, those bricks are being recycled...
Into one badass pair of slippers.
Because after fighting my way through all of this shit I deserve a bloody fairytale...