- By girly-d
- On 15/12/2017
- 0 comments
I hate facebook messenger - It's the bane of my life.
Especially when I've messaged someone and can see that they've been online since but that they haven't actually looked at it yet. Because then my mind goes into overdrive, and I can feel myself slowly starting to morph into Glen Close, as I start to drive myself crazy with a million and one scenarios trying to come up with a plausible reason as to why they haven't actually bothered to read it yet.
Because there was nothing on the news today announcing that there's been an earthquake, or torrential flooding or that a previously undetected giant mineshaft is currently opening up in the back garden of where they live. There hasn't even been a thunder storm or a power cut which could help to explain the lack of contact. Which therefore leads me to only one obvious conclusion. That they just don't want to talk to me right now- because I'm not that important.
Which makes me feel terrible.
Which then makes me want to message them more, in order to elicit a response in an attempt to prove to myself that my original theory was wrong.....
Which does nothing but make me feel needy and stalkerish, which in turn makes me feel exactly like the type of woman who would go scampering off into the kitchen in search of a saucepan big enough to pop some poor unassuming bunny in.
Which really isn't me at all.
And I try to be rational and I try not to torment myself by blowing things out of all proportion. It doesn't work. I simply end up tormenting myself even more.
I hate it.
I just want to 'be normal'. To 'feel normal'. To be able to send a simple text or a facebook message without my head giving me 'the spanish inquistition' every single time that I don't get a reply within minutes.
And I'm aware as I am writing this that I probably sound slightly unhinged and desperately insecure. But I am insecure. Massively. And this is how my insecurity makes me feel. Like it doesn't have an off switch and is seemingly powered by duracell.
It's doing me in.
Because I was never like this before.
Before I met some "not very nice" men and ended up on a sofa. Which made me feel ugly and worthless and really really shit about myself, and my confidence and self esteem were shot to bits.
I've come a really long way since then.
But I'm still so horribly fragile and insecure....
More importantly, my phone hasn't pinged at all for hours.....which means, that for the foreseeable future at least, that I'm going to be on meltdown.
And I'm too tired and emotional right now to wrestle with myself about it. So tonight, Glen gets to call the shots and is currently tootling around in my kitchen looking for that saucepan.
Rabbit Stew anyone?.....