So I didn't actually tell him that we're over.
We somehow went camping instead....
Big mistake - Massive in fact. It turns out that my inner Diva doesn't like camping. Or more accurately she does - but just not with him.
Anyway. It started to go wrong at Sports Direct. AKA Inner Diva's idea of hell. Apparantly it was necessary to buy walking boots. Oh God. It was the quickest Sports direct sale in history. "These in a size 5 please. No I won't need to try them on. BrilliantThankYouBye" And..."Whoosh!". Inner Diva was gone. Off to join my inner fox in Lush.
Nowhere near a wood or a forest by the way.
No.We were on a car park. In the middle of bloody nowhere. In a gale. . Brilliant. What was also lovely were the lack of facilities. As in there were none. Nada. Nothing. Unless you counted sheep.
Not so bad at night time having a wee in the dark in the bushes. Not quite the same the next morning attempting to wee in broad daylight and then finding out that my lady garden has been clocked by several elderly coastal walkers and car drivers pulling into said car park.
Mortifying. For me. Not them.
So then we go coastal walking. In the rain. Up a cliff.
Inner Diva is not impressed. One iota. It's blowing a gale and she's morphed into a sulky toddler who's run out of prams to throw her toys out of. Inner Diva is essentially throwing a strop to end all strops. He is left in no doubt at just how little she is enjoying this. It would have made painful viewing. If there was anyone else around. Because mysteriously, not many other people seem to be halfway up a cliff. In the rain. Clearly not having fun. No. They are all doing normal stuff. In the warm somewhere. Like I should be doing.
God I need to end this. I'll tell him tomorrow.
Where to start with this one? She's kind of a law unto herself. She can be hard to pin down in a description. A cross between the terrible two's and a stroppy teenager at a push, with an ego the size of a small country..... If I had to elaborate.
She lives by her own set of rules (that she created and therefore can change at any time ) and never admits that she's wrong. She's funny and sexy, loud and insistent with occasional outbursts of Tourettes. I love her. I think she's brilliant.
I have no idea where she came from. She just appeared. Magically. Sometime during my little spell in detox. Possibly as a side-effect of all of the medication I was taking at the time....anyway, It was bizarre.
I didn't want to make a marshmallow tower ( long story) and was busy trying to work out how to rebel. I've always had cripplingly low self confidence and try to avoid any type of confrontation wherever possible. At least I used to. This mysterious new Inner Diva of mine had other ideas.
"What are you doing?" (Her)
"I'm sorry, what?..."
"I asked what you are doing? What are you going to do with all those sweets?"
"Hmmmmnn...She wants me to make a marshmallow tower" (me)
"Omg. Are you for real?? Why?"
"I have no idea. It's supposed to help liberate my inner child....or something. I'm not quite sure. I haven't done it before."
"Liberate your inner child?? By threading marshmallows onto spaghetti?? That's hilarious. I bet it took her ages to think of that little gem. Have you seen her shoes by the way? What on earth is she thinking? They're hideous....Anyway. It's a rubbish idea. You're not five years old. Jesus! C'mon. Say you're not doing it. I'll help you to eat them and then we can go and watch TV or something..."
On and on and on she went. "What's he in for?" "Ooh he's nice, is he taken?" Blah, blah blah. I couldn't concentrate. I was afraid that she'd actually make my ears bleed if I didn't do what she said. On those grounds I refused to make the tower. It was liberating. I ate the marshmallows and Inner diva and I went off to read a book. It was the only thing I could think of that might keep her quiet.
From that day onwards she followed me everywhere. A naughty fairy in sky- high heels perched on my shoulder, idly painting her nails. Me and my shadow.
I was getting a hard time in rehab from the staff. Completely undeserved to be fair. I'd been a model patient. I refused to do something that I knew would have harmed my recovery. They threatened to kick me out if I didn't comply. They made me cry. The old me probably would have crumbled. But I hadn't factored in Inner Diva. It was like waving a red flag to a bull. Inner Diva was having none of it. She doesn't take any shit. Which means that now she's in town I'm not allowed to either. She was there like a shot.
"Tell them to shove it up their arse. They can't talk to you like that. Who do they think they are? C'mon, we're leaving. Nobody puts baby in the corner. You can pick up your things later. I want to go shopping...."
I didn't have a plan for leaving rehab. I had nowhere to go. But yeah, I wanted to go shopping too now you come to mention it. I'd been cooped up for months in the big brother house. Some fresh air and a bit of retail therapy would do me good. Needless to say, that was the end of my rehab days. I threw a few things together and then Inner Diva and I went to Lush.
We'd figure out a plan later.
I love her. I really do. But boy, she's relentless. She has an opinion on absolutely everything. Whether I ask for it or not. When i'm in the shower for example, or out on a date...
I'd chosen the scallops. My absolute favourite. My starter was waiting for me when I returned from the ladies.
Inner Diva was not impressed.
"Where's the rest of it?" Are you kidding me? How much? Ten pounds?? Ten?? Have you seen the size of it? That's scandalous. Call her over. There's no way you're paying for that. There is literally nothing on that plate. No I won't be quiet. I don't care if I'm shouting. Listen very carefully. You.Are.Not.Paying. Ten. Pounds. For. That. C'mon, we're leaving. I'll meet you outside. We can get fish and chips or something. And get change from a tenner...."
He didn't want to leave. Or go somewhere else. Even though his starter was bland and overcooked. He preferred to sit there and suffer until after we'd been served our equally crappy mains. I didn't want to sit there eating rubbish food. I wanted to be sat on the seafront with Inner Diva, eating fish and chips with the wind in my hair.
We didn't have a second date. Inner Diva was bored rigid. So was I to be fair. And he was going bald....
So this is how we live. She's my wingwoman. My naughty and my nice. Queen Bee without a doubt. What she says goes. And so far she is actually always right. I'm a million times more confident with her around. I'd be completely lost without her . And the crazy adventures we have along the way. She rocks. And by default, on occasion so do I.
Inner Diva, I salute you...long may you reign.
I wonder how long I can do this for? Actually stay single. Just me, myself and I.
I'm not looking forward to it. Plus I'm not technically single yet. I haven't actually told him the news. I'm working up to it. I will tell him.
And then I'll take this Tiara off.
Hopefully once and for all. I don't want to be queen anymore. I don't even go anywhere nice to wear it. Overnight camping trips in camper vans wearing mud spattered Converse don't count.
I want to be sitting in restaurants. Wearing killer heels. Drinking pretend wine and eating Scallops. That's my idea of fun.
But there's a problem. I don't like dining out by myself. People always assume that I've been stood up. And If I'm going to be single then I really shouldn't go out to dinner with a guy either....Because then that's technically classed as a date. And dates aren't allowed because I'm trying not to be queen anymore.
God this is complicated. I need to think this through.
Ok I'll date then.
I'll date but I won't get involved. That could be a plan. Except that it hasn't worked so far. Ever. Or I could just go out to dinner with friends. Except that my male friends generally want to sleep with me. Or have slept with me. Either way it could end badly. Potentially in a hormonal mess. And a taxi for one in the morning.
Back to the drawing board then while I figure this shit out.
I'm rubbish at drawing. So this may take a while. Bugger. I'd strongly advise not holding your breath....