- By girly-d
- On 05/12/2017
- 1 comments
I've had a horrible day.
One of the worst that I've had in ages. My head is racing, my heart is pounding and my anxiety is going through the roof.
I'd love to be able to ask Nick Knowles and the boys to come round so that they can do a re-build. Starting with my head. Because right now this one really needs to go. And I don't care if the new one means that I have to look like Aunt Sally..... at least I won't have to listen to myself going over and over and over old ground.
But there is no "Diy Sos" rescue for me today. Because Billy and the boys are busy whipping up a miracle renovation for someone else who could use their help too.
And so it's down to me to sort it. Again. Because technically I suppose that I am actually the best person for the job....I've lived with this head for decades.
I've struggled with Mental Illness all of my life.
The death of my dad when I was six caused my mum to have a break-down and so my world became a frightening place. Lots of walking on eggshells and trying not to say or do the wrong thing.
Crippling anxiety every day at school, in case something happened to my mum too because I wouldn't be around to help her out if she needed me. Which she did. A lot.
I would be the last kid into registration every morning because I had to wait until my mum was completely out of sight before I would even consider leaving the playground. I was trying to make every second of waving goodbye to her imprint on my brain. In case it was the last time I ever got to do it.
The other kids didn't get me.
They all had both parents. And nice happy homes to go back to. I got picked on a lot. Mainly because I was a walking ball of tears when I was a kid and so they didn't have to try too hard to get a reaction. I spent most of my days locked in the toilets with my books. Less traumatic in there. Morning registration 'tick' and then i was offski.
Despite my lack of enthusiam for school, I was a clever kid. That just made me even less popular with my peers. So I kind of scrabbled my way through life keeping my head down and trying not to draw too much attention to myself in any way shape or form.
I took menial, shitty jobs. I didn't have the coping mechanisms to look for much else. My goal was to do the best job I could at anything which didn't expect too much of me. But even that was a massive uphill battle.
In my head I just didn't fit in. I didn't have the right look, the right clothes. The right attitude. I was super critical of myself already so any negative comment at all would floor me. Nine times out of ten I would quit. Because the pressure of just being me was too much.
I have no idea how many jobs I took only to leave. Often without going back for my pay, because the stress of feeling that I was letting people down was way too much for my head. And so I left my wages as compensation. Which of course left me broke. Meaning that I couldn't afford the nice clothes or the make up I craved anyway....
And now I'm an adult. And I still struggle with all of the above.
I have days where I pick myself apart relentlessly.
But I'm learning to manage myself. Because this flaw in my head isn't going away anytime soon. So I deal with it. I stay away from alcohol....because alcohol along with bouts of poor mental health are a lethal combination for me.
I avoid medication. That's not to say that everyone should. Far from it. It's just that I know my own head and it's more manageable for me without relying on substances.
And most importantly of all (for me anyway) I talk about it. Like this. On my blog, in magazines and on twitter.
To inspire other people and to let them know that there are others out there who understand. Who "Get it". So that you don't have to feel by yourself.
Thankfully my "Diy Sos" is over for now. That's not to say that it won't be back at some point. But I'm starting to realise that having the right tools for the job is half the battle.
So Billy and the boys can transform lives with theirs.
And I will attempt to touch lives with mine...