This Is Depression....
- By girly-d
- On 15/10/2017
- 0 comments
I wrote this last night. It's a tiny snapshot of just how shit my life was a year ago and where my head was at that time. A lot has changed in a year and I am now happy and healthy. More good luck than judgement. But I'm grateful that I am here and that things are so much different now......
This was my depression....
I'm getting thin. There are dark circles under my eyes. My clothes don't fit me and my hair is a mess.
I look terrible.
I don't care.
Little man has gone and I don't actually give two shits about anything anymore. I really just cannot be arsed. I've had enough.
I spend my mornings crying....my afternoons getting fucked in a bar. I want out of this head of mine asap and I'm doing it the only way I know how....by getting absolutely shitfaced.
I'm mixing with bad people. Or more accurately they are mixing with me. I'm not exactly difficult to find. I'm knocking around in Wetherspoons most days. Same table if I can get it. Next to the plug socket so that I can charge my phone. Men buzz around me like flies.. hover like vultures. I can't be arsed to fend them off. They take my indifference as an invitation. Offer to buy me a drink.
They must think it's Christmas - these men that I wouldn't look twice at if I was able to think straight. These men who know that on a good day I would be well out of their league. But it's obviously not a good day. None of my days are any more. So they move in for the kill.... Lucky me.
I say thank you for my drinks and I listen to their bullshit and I wonder for the millionth time what I ever did that was so bad for my life to turn out this way. I sit through groundhog day counting down the hours until I've finally had enough and want to go home. Sometimes alone. Sometimes not depending on just how much extra pain I feel like inflicting on myself.
If I didn't go home alone I'm guaranteed to feel like extra crap in the morning. I shower, crack open a can and my day begins again.
I don't want to live like this. It's excrutiating. I can't handle this level of madness. I'm tired and I'm ill, I miss Little man and I am so over this shit it's unreal.
A local "pillar of society" is trying to get me into bed. He's quite intimidating. When I refuse he get's nasty. I tell him to go and fuck himself. And that if he trys it again I will tell his wife. I mean it. He backs off. But there will be another him. And another. Same shit, different approach.
I'm counting the days right now. I'm drinking enough alcohol to sink a battleship. My bruises and breaks increase by the day. My body is telling me daily to please slow down.... It's just a matter of time.
Then I'm done with this shit. Finished. Finito. Game over, I'm out the door, "Thank you". I'll leave my review on some weird trip advisor for dead people when I reach my final destination...."Marks out of ten for the experience?"....0. Marks out of 10 for me attempting and failing miserably to keep up with this shit - 11. Because I tried - And God loves a trier.
Anyway, at this rate I'll be meeting God much sooner than planned .. I hope he's expecting me...and that he's looked after Little man...
God. This gives me goosebumps as I'm reading it back. And I know what it says because I wrote it.....which makes it even more chilling. I never, ever want to feel this way again. Absolutely horrendous. My heart goes out to anyone who has ever felt the same x