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Chasing Pavements.....

  • By girly-d
  • On 09/05/2018
  • 0 comments

Today has been hard.

I've been on a training course. A few hundred yards from my ex boyfriends house. We broke up recently...needless to say I struggled to concentrate. All I could think of was him.

The course was centred around addiction. My ex-boyfriend is an alcoholic. I was one too back in the day. Until I went into detox  and re-wired my brain... I'm tee-total now.

He was too, when we met - at least that's what I thought. It's what he told me when we got together anyway, otherwise I would never have gone there. Looking back though, now I'm not so sure. Maybe he just hid it better than he's able to these days...because right now he's currently drinking his own body-weight in vodka. He's disappearing in front of me and he's breaking my heart. Because this guy is going to die if he carries on like this. 

I'll give him six months - A year at the most which is absolutely tragic...

He's only thirty-three. 

I stayed in a B&B last night. On my own. Instead of staying with him. Because I made that mistake last time and it didn't work out too well. He massively overstepped the mark and did something terrible. Because he was drunk.

'Shitfaced' actually.

 

Anyway it was a huge mistake. I knew straight away.  I should never have gone there in the first place... And these days I learn from my mistakes. Not always immediately granted... but at some point the penny always drops and I start to see sense...hence the B&B.

Which was fab by the way. I loved it - It felt like I was home.

Which it will be one day.

Because this is where I'm headed when I'm well.

Just not with him this time.

If things were different I'd be with him now. In his flat that I fell in love with, with this guy I fell in love with...

But things aren't different. Because he's a raging alcoholic.  And my heart has been broken far too many times by this man. So this time, tonight when I walked past his house, I resisted the urge to phone him. Ring his doorbell. Try and 'make him better'. This time I did what's actually right for me for once. And kept on walking....

I took myself out to a restaurant. Then I went to a bar. The same one I've started to go to when I run to this town. Because I love it here. I feel safe and confident and alive in this town. I've already started to make friends. 

Like the guy who works in the photo shop. The one I take my features to, to get them printed so that they can hang on my walls.

And the guy behind the bar in The Dolphin...and the people I've met in there.

I'm in a town that I adore. That calls to me. Every single time I come here I know I'm coming home. I'm absolutely head over heels for this place. It fits me perfectly.

So having to leave it behind, get back on a train and go live in a field again unsettles me. I feel scattered and torn. Upset and anxious.

I can't keep on doing this...being pulled in two directions. It's bad for my head...

 

If I had a magic wand I would wave it right now -  Transport myself and my meagre belongings here. To this town. Here where I fit. Where I'm happy. Where my life is full of possibilities.

But that means facing some demons first. And cleaning out my closet. Making a totally fresh start...and I'm completely not ready for that yet.

I'm scared of the implications. It's a lot of pressure. I'm worried that it might tip me over the edge. I've only been living something even vaguely resembling normal now for eight months. I walked out of rehab twelve months ago. I need to remember that.

And so I'll tread carefully.

I can save where I am. My expenses are tiny. So I need to be patient and play the long game, instead of rushing into something that I'm completely not ready for. Be sensible and strategic for the first time in my life.

Which is completely fucking alien to me right now.

But I won't always feel this way. 

Because the pull of this town is huge. And I'm going to live here.

Just not right now.

Right now I need to do what I'm doing.

Which is this...

 Wake up and go to work. Come home and write. Catch up with friends on twitter. Post my blogs. Repeat as necessary.

Until I finish my book.

When I'm not working, I'll jump on a train to this town. Get my little seaside fix. Say hi to my new friends. Remind myself that one day I will live here. In a new home. 

Thats just for me and Magic...my cat.

And then I'm not moving again. This is the last time...

Because I'm done with unstable and I'm done with the rug being pulled from under me. 

So I'm going there with money in my pocket. Just me, my writing my cat and a plan. 

That no-one can take from me this time.

I'm counting the days...

 

 

anxiety not the slide mental health control decisions me myself and i