- By girly-d
- On 23/09/2017
- 0 comments
I'm sat in my teeny caravan. It's where Little man and I lived after J left me. It's been 4 years but I'm still overwhelmed whenever I think about it.
Little man is all around me. I'm sat opposite his favourite spot. I can still see the ghost of him....
I can't believe how much emotion is still attached to this place. It symbolises Death to me. The death of my marriage. Little mans death not long after we moved here and ultimately the near death of me and the actual death of everything I thought I knew about myself.
I'm sat in the spot where I waited to die. It feels surreal and I'm about to cry. The ghost of the old me is in here too. She's hanging out with Little mans.
I can't bear this amount of grief. It's like a body blow every time I come here. It's keeping me trapped. I need her to leave.
It's going to take some doing.
I've been cleaning for hours with every window open to try and get some life back in here. I need this to be a happy place. I can't walk in here and be swamped with sadness everytime I open the door. It's time for a fresh start. This is the last thing that has any hold over me emotionally and I'm going to re-invent it with the same energy that is helping me to re-invent myself.
Only it's not working.
It doesn't matter how hard I scrub, how much incense I burn, how many trinkets I buy to try and make it homely again nothing is working. The energy and the memories just won't shift.
Because she still thinks that she's dead. The old traumatised me. She actually thinks that she died here. I know how much she wanted to. To be with Little man. So that she didn't have to worry about how horribly wrong it was all going. And how she would ever manage on her own without him to cling to.
To her this could never be a home, filled with it's grief and it's loss and its trauma. To her it was a coffin. She was just waiting for the lid to close.
So I'll sell it. Or scrap it.
I can't live in a coffin. Because coffins are for dead people. And despite it being an extremely close call for a while, I'm still here.
I'm not dead.