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Blind date....

  • By girly-d
  • On 27/04/2018
  • 0 comments

So I've narrowed it down to 3.

3 potential, relatively good looking guys all advertising themselves on my brand new, recently downloaded  internet dating app.

All 'single, solvent and seeking Miss Right,' according to their profiles...Which is fab, because I just happen to be single, (barely) solvent, and looking to find Mr Right, and so I decide to bite the bullet. After all, it's only a conversation. On the internet. With a total stranger... what could possibly go wrong??...

Ummm, lots actually.

As I was about to discover.

So the first guy I spoke to was called *James 

"Hey, can I ask?"  Was his opening one liner, to which I replied, (hilariously I thought), "Please don't finish that sentence by asking me what colour knickers I'm wearing"...

Bad idea...

Because obviously I was joking, but James was actually quite interested in my underwear as it turned out - more specifically, he wanted to know if I was wearing any...sadly, for James however, he'll never get to know the answer to that one, as he was swiftly filed away in my newly created internet file creatively titled "Loser".

 Capital 'L'.

So we weren't exactly off to a flying start in the internet dating game. But, I still had two more potential guys to talk to - and it was still just making conversation...

 So *Paul was next.

He cut straight to the chase bless him, and asked "if I was any good?"...

Now that was a tricky one to be fair, because he didn't specify exactly what he was hoping that I would be good 'at'...I took a wild guess however, and he went to hang out with James.

Which left me with *Donald

To be fair, I quite liked him. 

According to his profile pic he was tall, dark and handsome. Plus he had a police dog in one of his photos, which kind of gave me the impression that he was either indeed a policeman, or that he did some kind of similar security related work.

Now, given that I haven't had the best luck with men over the last few years, the thought that this guy might actually be the protective type (as opposed to my usual psychopath / narcissitic type), made my heart do a little flutter...

I actually dared to hope...

Anyway, we do the "Hi, how are you?" thing, agree after a few (non-sexual) messages to exchange numbers, and off we pop over to 'Whatsapp' instead, mainly because it's easier to talk on there.

He tells me that he's a widower. I offer my condolences.

That his parents were killed in a car crash...Again, I'm sympathetic...But red flags are slowly popping up.

Because I think I know where this is going, which means that 'Donald' may not be all he's cracked up to be...

You see, although the location on his profile indicates that he's less than 30 miles from me, he starts to tell me that he's currently on deployment - in Sierra Leone.

On a secret under-cover mission.

That he's hopefully about to retire. That he's praying that his name will be on the deployment list. That he's looking to make me his soul-mate. That he can't wait to come back to the UK.

Which is all absolute bullshit. Because the number he has messaged me from has a Nigerian area code...and his story just doesn't add up.

Instead it sets all kinds of alarm bells ringing.

Because I've heard this all before.

And its a scam.

You see 'Donald' isn't real.

'Donald' isn't a heartbroken widower at all.

Donald is a con-man.

Which means that Donald is telling me porkies. Because he's targeted me through my selection on the dating app and is about to spin me a very long, very tragic story, whilst trying to reel me in...which will end ( he hopes) in me depositing substantial funds into a made-up bank account in order to ensure that he can pay for his flight / accomodation / emergency visa or whatever somewhat plausible excuse he comes up with next, because he's convinced now that I'm his soul-mate and therefore he needs to drop whatever secret under-cover mission he's been deployed on and fly to this country to meet me, where we will get married immediately and both live happily ever after...

Only none of this can happen without me 'loaning' him some cash.

Which, sadly for Donald I'm not about to do...

And I tell him as much. But not very politely.

Which kind of pissed on his money-making parade, and which  made me feel quite smug... for about 5 minutes. Until the penny finally dropped about why he was asking me all of those questions...like what colour my hair is, what colour my eyes are, how tall am I?...

It's because I am now 'Donald'. 

Only in female form.

So my photo will be on a fake profile somewhere, along with all of the information he managed to glean out of me before I got suspicious...and some poor unsuspecting bloke will be sat at home, looking at his computer screen, listening to my tale of woe, and how vitally important it is that I can get to him quickly so that we can live happily ever after...

I can only hope for his sake that he's bankrupt...because if he isn't and he falls for this, then the chances are he soon will be...

Gutted.

For him. Not for me, by the way...

I wouldn't date any of these charmers and have clearly just swerved what could have been a very costly mistake, had I not been as suspicious or as streetwise as I am.

Because *James, Paul and "Donald" are real people.

Those are their real names.

They are real guys on a real dating site and those were my encounters.

I'm not actually on that site any more by the way. It was an experiment. To see the kind of guys who were on there.

And now I know.

Anyway, mysteriously, "Donald" took his picture down as soon as I rumbled him. But don't worry girls, because if you are interested and happen to have a few thousand pounds to burn, I managed to screenshot his number....