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Black is the new black...

  • By girly-d
  • On 19/08/2019
  • 0 comments

I don't know what day it is.

I do know however that I really need a shower.

I needed one days ago actually but I'm too ill and too traumatised to take off my clothes in a virtual strangers bathroom. The thought of him knowing that I'm naked behind the bathroom door is too much for me to handle right now, even though I'm sure that his intentions  towards me are good. My clothes are my armour, which is probably just as well...I don't have any other defence mechanisms left.

'M' sends me a text. He's playing good cop today.  I go around to his flat, he feeds me more bullshit and finally I get to shower.

I look terrible.

My hair is horrendous and my gums are bleeding.

I've got thrush.

My feet are literally black with grime...day after endless groundhog day sleeping in ugg boots is taking its toll.

I barely notice. Black is the new "black" in my world these days. I'm kind of getting used to it.

"Good cop" lasts for about as long as it takes me to shower and get dressed, then he flips again and so I leg it down the stairs while his back is turned praying that he doesn't come after me.

My emaciated legs carry me just long enough to get around the corner and so I hide behind a wall until my adrenaline subsides before creeping back to 'I's house and crawling back onto the sofa.

I really need a drink. My head is in bits, my body is fucked and my soul just spends its days crying and grieving for Bear.

I don't want to do this anymore. This "lifestyle" is killing me. I lose more and more of me  with every day that passes -  belongings, weight, my hair, my mind...

I just want it to be over. I ask God if he will please just pull his finger out and make it quick...I tell him that I wont put up a fight. 

Withdrawals kick in... The shakes and the nausea are excruciating. 

Then I tell him that I really dont think that hes listening to me, as I throw-up in the bathroom, before putting on my coat and dragging myself down to the off-licence, where they sell everything an end stage alcoholic could possibly wish for...except for miracles...

#HowIUsedToLiveMyLife

 

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