Images 77

Where rainbows end.....

  • By girly-d
  • On 09/05/2018
  • 1 comments

I'm back in Wonderland...

But that's a good thing -  Because this time I chose to be here.

See there are two ways to Wonderland.

One is down the rabbit hole.

This way is super quick; a 'You don't know you are going 'til you get there' kind of quick... it sucks you in, and then you're trapped, because Wonderland doesn't like letting go of it's visitors...

So it plays tricks with your head and it messes with your mind and it makes you confused and scared and incapable of leaving. And it plies you with alcohol and drugs and medicines to take away the badness but that doesn't help. It only makes it worse. And you feel weaker and weaker with every hour and every day that passes...until you know you are not going anywhere else ever again.

Thats Bad Wonderland. 

But there's another one...

The one I was aiming for in the first place. Except that I tripped and I fell and I went down the rabbit hole... and all of the horrors in all of the world were in there...and so I drank and drank to escape them all...until I literally couldn't drink anymore. And I thought that I would die down there. 

But I didn't...I didn't die. Because there was a part of me that's strong and resillient and she knew that there was a way back out of Wonderland...we just had to find it.

And she was the whisper in my ear, the face in my dreams...the vision that haunted me. Telling me over and over again that, despite what they said, despite what they thought, that we were getting out of there. That I just needed to be patient. And trust her. And be ready to run when she said...

And then it was over...

Because she was right. We did get out of there. Because she saw an opportunity to run and so she lifted me up and she carried me, and as quickly as it all began, bad Wonderland was gone. And instead there was hospital and detox and rehab...and people to help me undo all the bad thoughts and the drinking... the self doubt and despair, and then months and months later, I took my first steps.

Back towards Wonderland...

Because I needed to find it.

The right one this time.

The one with the caravan and the friends and the job and the cat that were written in the stars for me. That was where I headed for.

And 16 months later, I'm here. 

And I'm lying on my bed in my un-lego house and I'm watching the bluetits in the tree from my window as they eat from the feeders I've dotted around my teeny tiny Wonderland garden. With its buddhas and its firepits and its windchimes and tea-lights.

And they are singing to me, as I'm lying here writing. And I'm surrounded by candles and cushions and incense and there are framed magazine covers on every wall and every windowsill, that feature my name...because I wrote the stories behind them.

There's a rainbow in the distance.

And it's as beautiful as it looked in my dreams...

Because bad Wonderland had rainbows too. Teeny weeny slivers of daylight would break through my days and I'd see them shining, way, way, way above me in the distance. They gave me glimpses of hope, even on the darkest of days. 

 I wanted to follow those rainbows.

And months and months later I did. 

And I've walked and I've walked to get where I am today. Sometimes I cried. I very occasionally crawled. But I never gave up.

And now I'm here. In the spot where the rainbow ends...and my pot of gold begins...

In Good Wonderland

With a kitten called Magic under my bed...

 

 

 

 

Comments

  • Kel
    • 1. Kel On 14/05/2018
    This is so moving, I feel like I'm there with you. Looking forward to reading more xx