Latest Blogs....

  • Generation Hex....

    Mental illness runs in my family.

    Addiction and suicide are rife - My fathers side mainly.

    I have his hair. And the same blue/grey eyes. I wonder if this counts? That one day this will be enough to tip me over - and I get to join the ranks of all of those who came before me. 

    They grew up in and out of care, my fathers family...Seven institutionalised adults  came churning out of the machine after my nan decided that she didn't much like children after all once they'd arrived. I can only imagine the damage that did to them all...I can't even begin to imagine how that must have felt.

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  • Chasing the Dragon...

    They call it "chasing the dragon".

    I never understood that bit.

    Because when it all starts you're not chasing anything.

    You're just running.

    Running from debt, running from relationships, running from just about everything once that shit hits the fan...

    And when you're all out of running and you hit that brick wall, it's right there waiting for you.

    Like an old friend...

    The answer to everything.

    And it's not a dragon at all.

    It's the best thing ever.

    And yes it wraps you in big fluffy blankets and the world's a marshmallow and all of that jazz.

    But the absolute best thing? The thing that keeps you coming back for more? You get to be like Mr fucking Benn...and have the best adventures in the world.

    So whatever you want from life, wherever you want to be in your head, you've got it and you go there.

    A  hammock on the beach, a mansion with a swimming pool, hordes of adoring minions pandering to your every whim...it's yours for the taking...you simply build it and they come.

    Which means that there is no grotty bedsit, or shoplifting in Tesco or whatever it is that you do with your days in your actual real life. ..because that place in your head is the bollocks - which means that once you go there you never want to leave.

    And then one day it stops.

    That door in your head doesn't take you to Narnia the way that it used to...and it all starts to go horribly wrong...

    Because the best anaesthetic in the world isn't working now, and that big, fluffy blanket of yours is gone...and in its place is the worst sickness ever.

    And the Dragon in the corner is smiling...

    Because you see, there always was a dragon...

    He was hiding under the blanket.

    And you call on Mr Benn, and you try to run away, but when you finally dare to open your eyes, you haven't moved an inch, and he's still there with you right there in the room...and then that little penny drops and you know that you are fucked...

    And right before he goes to leave, he crouches down to where you lie sweating and shaking on the floor...And he whispers five horrendous words...

    "I'm hungry now. Feed me..."

    "Chasing the dragon?"...yes...I think it's fair to say I get it now.

     

     

                                                                                                                                              

                                                                                    

                                                                                        

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