My Latest Blogs....

 

 

 

  • Spiralling.....

    I have an addict mentality.

    Everything I think about, everything I do gets processed and carried out at lightning speed, because I need to hurry, hurry, hurry twenty four hours a day in case I miss something.

    It means that I can't sit in the moment. I don't have the capacity to ever fully relax. My head gets in the way and my thoughts start to take over. Which triggers the negative  voices in my head......

    I'm starting to struggle.

     

     

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  • Hearing voices.....

    My boyfriend has Psychosis. It means that he sees and talks to people who aren't actually there. At least if they are, they are very very quiet and very very small, as no-one else can see or hear them....I can't anyway. 

    It only happens when he drinks. Which currently is most of the time, and it's a worrying, and often disturbing experience for anyone around him, watching a fully grown man sit and have an animated conversation with people that only he can see.

    During Psychosis he loses touch with reality. He only sees and hears the scenarios that to him are real conversations, but to everyone else are the red flags that indicate that his drinking is once again spiralling out of control and that he is mentally and physically extremely unwell and in serious need of professional help.

    Sometimes he talks to me too, but not very often - at least not to my face. In reality he talks to me all the time......it's just that I'm very rarely in the same room when the "conversation" gets going. I'll be in the kitchen or the bathroom....he'll be convinced that I'm sat next to him on the sofa in the living room.  But when I try to say as much he accuses me of lying and messing with his head......when in reality it's not actually me playing headgames at all.  It's vodka and the copious quantities of it that he continues to drink that's distorting his reality.

    It's upsetting to see and hear him like this. Talking away to himself for hours on end....having full-on conversations with these imaginary people that aren't there.  But if I try to hold a conversation and tell him that he's talking to himself he doesn't believe me.....so then he changes tactic and starts to whisper to them instead.... It gives me chills....especially when it's 3.00am and I can't sleep because his imaginary friends are keeping him up all night again....mainly talking about me and how he's scared that he'll lose me. Which he will if he doesn't get help. Because seeing and hearing him like this is excrutiating.....I actually can't take much more. His alcohol induced mental problems are starting to consume us both.

    My boyfriend desperately needs help. But he refuses to see the doctor.....presumably because he will be told to stop drinking. Which he continues to do on a daily basis and which is slowly but surely killing him....because he physically and mentally can no longer do without it. 

    So the talking continues and every day he gets worse. He no longer needs me to talk to.... his friends are all consuming. If they tidied up after him too then maybe I would be more tolerant. But they don't.......they just continue to talk cod-shit, which he in turn talks back....24/7. Unless he's asleep....

    It makes him incredibly hard to be around and  even harder to listen to.  I constantly have to leave the room just to breathe for a second.  Ever increasingly I'm leaving the flat completely.....because I need some space from him and some real conversation.....with real actual people. 

    It's breaking my heart....I'm at my wits end and I'm ready to leave. I love him so much but I have no idea where to go from here. Except home.  He doesn't even know if I'm there or not anymore..... I may as well be invisible.....except that if I was then maybe he would talk to me more....

    My boyfriend needs help. Without it he will die. He can't carry on like this. His body is screaming for him to stop drinking alcohol. It can't keep up with the strain that he's under and his head is slowly turning to blancmange. Things have to change....because at this rate, as much as we all love and care for him, one by one everyone else will leave him too....for the sake of their sanity if nothing else.  So my boyfriends imaginary friends had better be loyal.....because if he continues to refuse the help that he needs, then those invisible mates of his will be all he's got left......which is heartbreaking...

    #addiction

     

     

     

     

     

  • Talking to fridges.....

    A friend of mine is writing a book - A compilation of personal accounts centred around the #metoo hashtag.

    Because we share this in common, my friend and I. We've both experienced the devastation of rape, but thankfully, years later we've worked our way through it and come out on the other side using our respective coping mechanisms. Mine involved talking to a trusted friend at the time, seeking professional help, and eventually writing about it years later on my blog. My friend however, took a slightly less conventional approach....

    We were chatting online. We talked about the book; discussed our own experiences, and  I asked her if she had ever had counselling. After a minutes hesitation, her reply was "No.....unless you count talking to the fridge".......

    Which she'd obviously been doing and which clearly seemed to work for her at the time.

    It made perfect sense. Because the idea of my friend talking to that fridge was an absolute lightbulb moment. For reasons I've outlined below.

    You see, a fridge is designed with a door that can be opened 24 hours a day, meaning that it's always there when you need it - anytime, night or day.  A fridge can't talk....so it can't "give advice" or interrupt you mid-flow.  It can't walk either...so it's not going to get up and leave halfway through your conversation. Its job is to basically chill the wine and keep hold of the chocolate for when you've finished off-loading and need consolation....

    It's the perfect tool for the job.....

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  • Sober Sex....

    So I'm staying over. At his....... On Tuesday night.

    It makes sense....It saves interrupting our evening, dicking around with trains and a walk home alone for me through pitch black fields, late at night, attempting to dodge cow pats and copious amounts of sheeps piss.

    And I know this guy, which means that I trust him enough to assume that he's not going to jump on me or set upon me with an axe once I'm in his flat, behind closed doors.

    So it'll be cool. It'll be fine. We're just having some food and catching up with ourselves. No biggie. Absolutely nothing to worry about -  It's not like we're going to have sex or anything.....

    Because then I would be bricking it....

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